I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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