I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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