don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
