You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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