my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
