I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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