a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
