Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
