I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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