Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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