Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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