i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
