he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
