I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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