your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
