New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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