fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
