shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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