3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
