Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
