shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
