Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
