your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
