Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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