oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
