just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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