they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
