She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
