I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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