I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.