Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty