Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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