i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
