her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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