saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
