i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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