if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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