I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
