I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
