apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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