OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
