Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
