guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
