last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
