I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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