I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
