dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
