TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
