life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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