Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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