Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
