I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
