Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
