OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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