Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
