If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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