so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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