Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
