So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
