you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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